I was packing up and leave my parents' house. I gave my dad my bear and he hugged it. And then he says "This is your bear." And I told him, "Yeah, but I'm leaving him here to watch over you." And then I left. Like I was five and teddy bears fixed everything. But I couldn't help myself.

Now, for those of you wondering what the hell I'm talking about - leaving a bear to watch over my dad, let me explain. I've been putting off this post because I wasn't sure I'd be able to get through writing it. But if I don't start putting some of my feelings down somewhere, I will most likely splinter into pieces. With my luck - at work.

I went on vacation to San Francisco to see Roomie and her husband. I haven't seen her in a year and him in at least two. I think. It's hard to keep track sometimes. They just had a new baby as well. It was time to spend some time. (Baby is cute, by the way. I don't know how people *DO* babies. With the screaming and the crying - but that's a whole other post.) Anyway. I flew out Saturday, 31 July. I get a phone call on Monday, 2 August. From Dad and Mom. He's in the hospital. [What?] Has been since Saturday night. [WHAT?!!?] They didn't tell me before I left how poorly he was feeling because they didn't want me not to go. [Amg. Heartattackrighthererightnow.] They were doing tests on Dad. They found spots on his liver. Going to do a biopsy. More news in a few days. Dad calls again on Wednesday, 4 August. Biopsy is back. Cancer. [Seriously? What the FALAFEL?!]

I got home on 10 August. 11 August, Dad asks me to drive him to go somewhere. Not go with him. DRIVE him. I thought my heart was going to break right there. Mom calls Thursday, 19 August. Results from his Pet Scan are back. The oncologist says: "It's Stage IV." Yes, that's right. It's the worst it can get. It's metastasized - spread throughout his whole body. I barely got through the phone call with my mom. I sent a text message to Roomie to let her know. And she called me. Of course she did. It was a hard phone call only because I was having issues not being a weeping mess on the phone. (Which was why I sent the text message rather than call her.) I posted a note online to a couple social network places. Freckles and iDave - local friends of mine - offered to take me in so I wouldn't be alone. Which was good. I played Wii Monopoly and had my ass kicked by Freckles.

Anyway. I know this is a very depressing post. And I meant to do Topical Tuesday first. I even made Fembat restart the damn meme just for that purpose. I didn't want to restart my blog with this post. But - oh well. I'll get to those. I don't intend for this to be *just* a place where I pour out my fears for my dad, though I will be doing plenty of that. I had just meant to get the blog going again before putting up "The Most Depressing Post Ever."

Anyway.

I hope the internet is having a better couple of weeks than I am.

This is a private post. You must be logged in to view.

If you are logged in and still cannot view this post, you are not allowed to view private posts.

Unconscious Mutterings: Week 382 - Play along. It's good free association. Good for distraction, which I need. I feel a very angry, emo, unhappy blog post coming. So - we mutter to stave it off and be fun!

Mutter with Me!

1. Cream :: Cookies
2. Be with you :: The Force
3. Pancakes :: Nomnomnom
4. Believe :: in yourself
5. 45 :: Half of 90
6. Eat :: Chocolate
7. Background :: Desktop (I need a new one!)
8. Pane :: Window
9. Aim :: High
10. Collapse :: Yes, soon

You ever get upset about something absolutely trivial?

And know you are upset over something dumb?

And *still* have no say over being upset over it? >__<

And then you get angry at yourself for being upset?

Yeah. It's a day like that. :/