I'd meant to update more, but I find it so hard to talk about any of it, or to talk to anyone.
Cuz, you know, it's my Dad. He lifts stuff. And survives near-pounce tackles from his grown children without falling over.

Except - not any more.
It's really hard to see him like this. Dad was never really sick. He got a cold, sure. He had allergies. But not like this. And it's only been a month since he got the official diagnosis. And he can't get up on his own.

It's not fair. He never did anything to anyone. He's helped more people than I can count.

Yet - here it is. He'll come home from the hospital today. (That's a whole other post. I may make it, I don't know.) He'll have a hospital bed and my aunt is coming to help my mom take care of him. She'll stay until - well. Until.

And this is why I haven't posted. I can't function - and deal with this. Talking about it, thinking about it - I just sit in the chair, angry and in tears. So, maybe I'm a horrible child, a bad person, but I try not to think about it at all.

Anyway.

I was packing up and leave my parents' house. I gave my dad my bear and he hugged it. And then he says "This is your bear." And I told him, "Yeah, but I'm leaving him here to watch over you." And then I left. Like I was five and teddy bears fixed everything. But I couldn't help myself.

Now, for those of you wondering what the hell I'm talking about - leaving a bear to watch over my dad, let me explain. I've been putting off this post because I wasn't sure I'd be able to get through writing it. But if I don't start putting some of my feelings down somewhere, I will most likely splinter into pieces. With my luck - at work.

I went on vacation to San Francisco to see Roomie and her husband. I haven't seen her in a year and him in at least two. I think. It's hard to keep track sometimes. They just had a new baby as well. It was time to spend some time. (Baby is cute, by the way. I don't know how people *DO* babies. With the screaming and the crying - but that's a whole other post.) Anyway. I flew out Saturday, 31 July. I get a phone call on Monday, 2 August. From Dad and Mom. He's in the hospital. [What?] Has been since Saturday night. [WHAT?!!?] They didn't tell me before I left how poorly he was feeling because they didn't want me not to go. [Amg. Heartattackrighthererightnow.] They were doing tests on Dad. They found spots on his liver. Going to do a biopsy. More news in a few days. Dad calls again on Wednesday, 4 August. Biopsy is back. Cancer. [Seriously? What the FALAFEL?!]

I got home on 10 August. 11 August, Dad asks me to drive him to go somewhere. Not go with him. DRIVE him. I thought my heart was going to break right there. Mom calls Thursday, 19 August. Results from his Pet Scan are back. The oncologist says: "It's Stage IV." Yes, that's right. It's the worst it can get. It's metastasized - spread throughout his whole body. I barely got through the phone call with my mom. I sent a text message to Roomie to let her know. And she called me. Of course she did. It was a hard phone call only because I was having issues not being a weeping mess on the phone. (Which was why I sent the text message rather than call her.) I posted a note online to a couple social network places. Freckles and iDave - local friends of mine - offered to take me in so I wouldn't be alone. Which was good. I played Wii Monopoly and had my ass kicked by Freckles.

Anyway. I know this is a very depressing post. And I meant to do Topical Tuesday first. I even made Fembat restart the damn meme just for that purpose. I didn't want to restart my blog with this post. But - oh well. I'll get to those. I don't intend for this to be *just* a place where I pour out my fears for my dad, though I will be doing plenty of that. I had just meant to get the blog going again before putting up "The Most Depressing Post Ever."

Anyway.

I hope the internet is having a better couple of weeks than I am.

Effective immediately and for the foreseeable future, I have had to disable new registrations to my blog.

I'm getting nothing but spammers and it's grossing me out. I'm sorry if you were a legitimate person who wanted to be part of my "in" crowd. )=

If you would like to be registered to my blog, email me and I'll set you up myself, then you can log in and change your password. I'm really sorry.

Stupid spammers.>__<

|:<

You know it's going to be a great day when your stomach cramps in a weird way, making lunch makes you want to throw up, and you aren't even sure you want breakfast.

Going to be a GREAT day. >___<

It's called the "Monday Meltdown" and is an excuse to just let out some of the frustration within. We all have frustration, yes? So - let's focus our frustration and let it out on Mondays - because we all know that Mondays just deserve it. Just ask Garfield.

Here's how it is going to work. Rant about anything that makes you angry, irritates you, or is just plain dumb. You can do it here in the comments section or on your own blog. But if you run away to your own blog, please drop me a comment so I can come see. ::grins:: I love to read a good rant.

I also have a button up there you can 'steal'. Steal meaning take away to your own server. Don't direct link. I'm afraid I don't have the bandwidth for that one. (; So - are you ready to vent? I know you are.

Mine'll be in a separate post this week.

If you need ideas, try...

1. Heath Care Reform
2. Phone Automated Menus
3. Good TV Shows Cancelled!

Go! :D