I'd meant to update more, but I find it so hard to talk about any of it, or to talk to anyone.
Cuz, you know, it's my Dad. He lifts stuff. And survives near-pounce tackles from his grown children without falling over.

Except - not any more.
It's really hard to see him like this. Dad was never really sick. He got a cold, sure. He had allergies. But not like this. And it's only been a month since he got the official diagnosis. And he can't get up on his own.

It's not fair. He never did anything to anyone. He's helped more people than I can count.

Yet - here it is. He'll come home from the hospital today. (That's a whole other post. I may make it, I don't know.) He'll have a hospital bed and my aunt is coming to help my mom take care of him. She'll stay until - well. Until.

And this is why I haven't posted. I can't function - and deal with this. Talking about it, thinking about it - I just sit in the chair, angry and in tears. So, maybe I'm a horrible child, a bad person, but I try not to think about it at all.

Anyway.

I was packing up and leave my parents' house. I gave my dad my bear and he hugged it. And then he says "This is your bear." And I told him, "Yeah, but I'm leaving him here to watch over you." And then I left. Like I was five and teddy bears fixed everything. But I couldn't help myself.

Now, for those of you wondering what the hell I'm talking about - leaving a bear to watch over my dad, let me explain. I've been putting off this post because I wasn't sure I'd be able to get through writing it. But if I don't start putting some of my feelings down somewhere, I will most likely splinter into pieces. With my luck - at work.

I went on vacation to San Francisco to see Roomie and her husband. I haven't seen her in a year and him in at least two. I think. It's hard to keep track sometimes. They just had a new baby as well. It was time to spend some time. (Baby is cute, by the way. I don't know how people *DO* babies. With the screaming and the crying - but that's a whole other post.) Anyway. I flew out Saturday, 31 July. I get a phone call on Monday, 2 August. From Dad and Mom. He's in the hospital. [What?] Has been since Saturday night. [WHAT?!!?] They didn't tell me before I left how poorly he was feeling because they didn't want me not to go. [Amg. Heartattackrighthererightnow.] They were doing tests on Dad. They found spots on his liver. Going to do a biopsy. More news in a few days. Dad calls again on Wednesday, 4 August. Biopsy is back. Cancer. [Seriously? What the FALAFEL?!]

I got home on 10 August. 11 August, Dad asks me to drive him to go somewhere. Not go with him. DRIVE him. I thought my heart was going to break right there. Mom calls Thursday, 19 August. Results from his Pet Scan are back. The oncologist says: "It's Stage IV." Yes, that's right. It's the worst it can get. It's metastasized - spread throughout his whole body. I barely got through the phone call with my mom. I sent a text message to Roomie to let her know. And she called me. Of course she did. It was a hard phone call only because I was having issues not being a weeping mess on the phone. (Which was why I sent the text message rather than call her.) I posted a note online to a couple social network places. Freckles and iDave - local friends of mine - offered to take me in so I wouldn't be alone. Which was good. I played Wii Monopoly and had my ass kicked by Freckles.

Anyway. I know this is a very depressing post. And I meant to do Topical Tuesday first. I even made Fembat restart the damn meme just for that purpose. I didn't want to restart my blog with this post. But - oh well. I'll get to those. I don't intend for this to be *just* a place where I pour out my fears for my dad, though I will be doing plenty of that. I had just meant to get the blog going again before putting up "The Most Depressing Post Ever."

Anyway.

I hope the internet is having a better couple of weeks than I am.

This post has been encrypted. You will need to log into the website to perform the decryption ritual.

If you are logged into the blog and are still having issues decrypting, contact Poe - burningwords [at] gmail.com .

Unconscious Mutterings: Week 382 - Play along. It's good free association. Good for distraction, which I need. I feel a very angry, emo, unhappy blog post coming. So - we mutter to stave it off and be fun!

Mutter with Me!

1. Cream :: Cookies
2. Be with you :: The Force
3. Pancakes :: Nomnomnom
4. Believe :: in yourself
5. 45 :: Half of 90
6. Eat :: Chocolate
7. Background :: Desktop (I need a new one!)
8. Pane :: Window
9. Aim :: High
10. Collapse :: Yes, soon